I don’t shy away from the fact that I see a therapist. Every Monday morning at 8:30am, I sit down with her and we dig into whatever is on my heart for that week or has carried over from the week before.
I leave some sessions feeling refreshed and other sessions feeling exhausted (and ready to fight lol). The week of my wedding anniversary I was expecting to have a heavy session, but didn’t realize how heavy that weight would be until we were in it. Somehow we ended up talking about my grandparents dying in 2017, the same year J was diagnosed with cancer. It was such a hard year with heartache around every corner. I lost my maternal grandmother and paternal grandfather within about a month of each other all while also taking care of J.
I never had the space to grieve them.
I went to the funerals but all I really remember was how hard it was flying to Jackson for my Grandma and driving to Birmingham for my Pop Pop. We didn’t stay long in either city because we had to get back home to our routine, home equipment and appointments and by the time we were back in Indy it was back on the road to healing.
I was overwhelmed with emotion the week of our anniversary, but not in the way that I thought. I cried while listening to our first dance song and reflected on some happy, pre-cancer moments, but I also gave myself space to really miss and cry for my grandparents without also needing to be strong emotionally and physically for J. My therapist even commented on the fact that I seem to be more emotionally moved by their death than my anniversary and I knew exactly why. I finally had the space to feel that pain without needing to be strong or move from one thing to the next.
It’s funny how no matter how hard we try to suppress an emotion or how busy we keep ourselves so the pain won’t surface, it always does in its own time. It’s also crazy to think about how long those tears and sadness have been building inside of me, longing to be released.
It makes me wonder what other emotions I’ve accidentally or purposefully suppressed over the years that are ready to experience that same freedom as well. I hope they find their way to the surface in due time and that yours do the same.